October 8, 2009 Morning Pages

Got up early enough to try to knock out an entry. It’s been very steady lately. Can’t really say I’ve been able to sit idle at all. Doing a lot of programming and composing, just trying to knock out some new, fresh ideas.

I think I may have painted myself into a corner with this record. Here it is, over half complete, and I continually find myself doubting if any of it’s any good. I don’t know if this is just a confidence thing on my end or if I’ve just sat on the material for so long now that it’s gone stale. I bounce between going full out with the completion of the album and completely scrapping it. I think I’m really struggling with the direction the music is going. And maybe it’s conflicting with everything that I’ve been listening to, which has been very electronic and dark. I’ve known this was going to be the poppy live record, but now I wonder if there’s really any place for that on the radio. And I guess, ultimately, radio should be the last of my concerns due to all the crap that’s spewed out nowadays. But I am seriously conflicted and tempted to just scrap the whole project.

Then, on the other hand, there’s the part of me that just wants to get this music out and heard; out of my system. The songs are good, that I know. But whether they are great I’m just not fully convinced. Maybe I’ve gone complacent. Maybe I’ve just heard the stuff for too long in my head and I’m over it. I’m going to have to find some way to make it all fresh, because at this point I’m pretty conflicted.

I think it’s also having to do with the fact that I’m really not seeing any headway being made on the musical front. Oh, sure, the local shows are going well, and I have a lot of enthusiasm from the band and our immediate following. But I just can’t seem to get us to that next level, and I feel like I’m getting…

Gah! I’m not going there. As you can probably tell, I’m fighting some inner demons, and it’s putting me in an unsure state. I guess maybe I’m feeling the fatigue of having pursued this dream my whole life and still not achieved the goals that I set out for myself. Life goes on, folks get older, the business changes, and I’m still trying to find my place in it. At the end of the day all I really have is my love and passion for the craft, but at this point I’m even doubting that.

I’m sure I’ll find some way to barrel through all this. It’s just when you’re in the moment it can be a pretty lonely place to be. I’ve got to get out of this head and somehow delude myself into believing that I will see the light at the end of the tunnel–that people really want to hear something more original that some recycled Mayer Hawthorne crap.

Worse comes to worse, I’ll probably just track what I’ve done with the band and release it as an EP. I’ve done too much work at this point to just scrap it. But I feel like maybe it’s time to take my career in a different direction, and I’m doing some serious soul-searching trying to figure what that is.

Until next time…

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